Shiva — literally "seven" — is the week of intense mourning that immediate family members observe in the home after the burial. The customs are practical and bodily: the family sits on low chairs, does not wear leather shoes, does not shave or cut their hair, does not engage in work or entertainment, and does not greet visitors with greeting words. They simply accept the visitors' presence.
Sanctuary's role in the seven days is logistical and pastoral. We do not lead the shiva minyan — that is the rabbi's work — but we coordinate everything around it. What follows is what Sanctuary provides, what the family arranges, and what visitors do.
What Sanctuary provides.
- A daytime visit to the shiva house, the day of burial or the following morning, to set up the space: the candle at the entrance (a seven-day yahrzeit candle, glass-encased), the basin and pitcher for hand-washing at the door, the low chairs or cushions for the family
- The prayer books (siddurim) for the shiva minyan — typically twenty volumes, returned to the chapel after shiva ends
- Kippot for male visitors, in a small wooden box at the entrance
- Coordination with the family's rabbi on the minyan schedule each evening of the week
- Coordination of the meals brought to the family by the community — sign-up sheet and instructions sent to the family's congregation, kosher or vegetarian guidance for unfamiliar friends
- The seudat havra'ah — the meal of consolation traditionally provided by the community to the family on their return from the cemetery
- A printed "Preparing the home for shiva" guide for the family, available here as a PDF
- Visits during the week if the family wishes — Daniel, Hadassah, or another member of the firm typically stops in once or twice during the seven days, briefly
Preparing the home.
The mirrors.
All mirrors in the shiva house are covered or turned to face the wall. The custom is variously interpreted — that grief should not be a moment of vanity, that the body's reflection might be confused with a wandering spirit, that the focus of the week is inward not outward. Whatever the interpretation, the practice is universal. Sanctuary brings white sheets in three sizes for the family to use; they are returned at the end of the week.
The low chairs.
The family sits on low stools, low cushions, or chairs with the legs removed. The custom — sometimes called "sitting low" — externalizes the lowered state of the mourner. Many families use simple wooden stools borrowed from the congregation; some sit on cushions on the floor. The chevra kadisha at Beth Shalom keeps a set of folding low stools that can be borrowed.
The candle.
A seven-day yahrzeit candle is lit at the entrance to the shiva house and burns for the full seven days. The candle traditionally represents the soul of the deceased (the verse: "the soul of man is a candle of the L-rd"). Sanctuary provides the candle and the small glass holder.
The basin and pitcher.
A basin and a pitcher of water are placed at the entrance to the shiva house. Visitors and family members wash their hands as they enter from the cemetery and as they return from going out, a symbolic separation from death. The water is poured from the pitcher over each hand alternately, three times, with no blessing.
The shiva minyan.
The shiva minyan is the evening (and, in some traditions, morning) gathering of ten or more Jewish adults for the daily prayers, held in the shiva house each evening of the week. The minyan provides the family with the daily kaddish — the mourner's prayer that requires a minyan to be recited — without the family needing to travel to a synagogue.
The family's congregation typically organizes the minyan; the rabbi or service leader sends out a notice. Sanctuary coordinates with the congregation: we provide the prayer books, the kippot, and the table for the prayer leader, and we send the family's address (with appropriate privacy) to the congregation's gabbai or minyan coordinator.
Many Pittsburgh congregations have a long-standing custom of organizing the shiva minyan; Beth Shalom, Rodef Shalom, Tree of Life, and Adath Jeshurun all have minyan coordinators who can be reached through Sanctuary.
The meals.
The first meal after the burial — the seudat havra'ah, the meal of consolation — is brought to the family by the community. Tradition specifies round foods (hard-boiled eggs, lentils, chickpeas), symbolizing the cycle of life. Sanctuary arranges this first meal with the family's congregation or, if the family is unaffiliated, through a network of local Pittsburgh kosher caterers.
Subsequent meals during the seven days are brought by the community on a sign-up basis. Meals are traditionally kosher or — at minimum — vegetarian (to ensure that observant family members and visitors can eat without question). Sanctuary sends a kosher-or-vegetarian guidance sheet to the family's congregation and friends, with the address of the shiva house and the days the family is sitting.
Visitors.
Visitors enter the shiva house quietly, wash their hands at the basin, and sit. They do not greet the mourners with greeting words — no "how are you" or "good to see you." They simply sit with the family. Often the visitor remains silent, allowing the mourner to speak first or not at all. Many shiva calls last twenty or thirty minutes; some last only a few minutes.
On leaving, visitors traditionally recite the customary blessing: HaMakom y'nahem etchem b'toch she'ar avelei Tzion v'Yerushalayim — May the Place (G-d) comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. Many simply nod and leave.
The end of shiva.
Shiva ends on the morning of the seventh day, after the morning prayers. Family members traditionally take a brief walk around the block — the symbolic re-entry into the world. The low chairs are put away. The mirrors are uncovered. The candle, if still burning, is allowed to go out on its own.
From the end of shiva, the family enters sheloshim — the thirty days of less-intense mourning that follow. See the Jewish Traditions page for the customs of sheloshim and the year.
Frequently asked questions.
How long is shiva?
Seven days, counting the day of burial as the first day. The seventh day ends shortly after morning prayers; many families end shiva at that point, though some sit through to the following evening. Shabbat is part of the seven days but the mourning customs lift for the duration of Shabbat (sundown Friday to nightfall Saturday).
What do visitors say at a shiva call?
Traditionally, very little. Visitors do not greet the mourners; they sit quietly until the mourner speaks. On leaving, the customary blessing is HaMakom y'nahem etchem — May the Place comfort you. Many visitors simply sit, and that is enough.
What food do visitors bring?
Meals are traditionally kosher or vegetarian. Round foods (lentils, hard-boiled eggs, chickpeas) are customary for the first meal — the seudat havra'ah. Sanctuary coordinates a meal sign-up among the family's congregation and friends so meals do not duplicate.
Does Sanctuary visit the home during shiva?
Yes. Daniel or another member of the firm visits the home in the first day or two to set up the space and again, briefly, during the week. There is no charge for this.